Are you doing this on purpose?

I teach French 1. It is very fun to teach a class where the topic is completely new to them and the progress they make throughout the year is so apparent. But, man, sometimes it's all I can do not to hit them. Case in point, this Friday. I was giving a test. There was a listening activity with a picture of two students' desks. They had to listen to their friends ask for different school supplies and then respond yes or no according to whether or not the item was on that student's desk. The labeling of the desks was not very obvious so I pointed out which desk belonged to which student. Here is how the next few minutes went:





Student A: Wait, which desk is Christophe's?


Me: The one on the left.


30 seconds later:


Student B: Don't start yet! How do you know which desk is which?


Me: I just told you, Christophe's is on the left.


10 seconds later:


Student C: How are we supposed to know whose desk it is?


Me: Listen to me! And Annick's name is written on the notebook on her desk.


20 seconds later:


Student D: I don't know which desk is Christophe's and which is Annick's!


Me: LOOK AT YOUR PAPER!!!!! IT SAYS ANNICK RIGHT THERE!!!!! (bang the student's desk for effect and to avoid hitting the student)


2 seconds later (Seriously? Did you not hear the yelling and the banging?!?!?! And the ten explanations before that?????):


Student E: Excuse me, Mademoiselle H, I can't tell which desk is which.


Me: ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Late! Vol. 2

Some more excuses from the tardy sign-in sheet:

"Sick (kind of)"

"I'm a really slow, lazy walker"

"Because, yes."

"Had to find a sweatshirt. IT'S COLD!"

"I was outside your house for 1 hour"

Some kids are unsure of the line between funny and creepy.....

Sometimes I love other teachers

I sent a student the following note in his geometry class today:

"You left your sweatshirt in my classroom AGAIN! If you do not come get it today after school, I'm throwing it in the garbage!!!!"

When his teacher got the note she read it, handed it to him and made him read it out loud in front of the entire class. Nothing like a little humiliation!

(His sweatshirt has been sitting in my room for the past month, in case you are wondering where my enthusiasm came from.)

It's hard to be suave

Two examples from this week to increase your jealousy of my extreme grace and with-it-ness.

1. I went on a field trip with the entire senior class this week. As I was walking towards the bus I slipped on some leaves and fell down and scraped my knee like a 5-year old. In case any of the students missed it, as soon as I got on the bus I loudly proclaimed to the other teacher, "I JUST FELL!!!" I'm mostly annoyed that I think I ruined my favorite pair of pants.

2. I just handed a quiz out to my students that had half of the answers written on it. It was a quiz on object pronouns and I wanted to make sure I had a variety so I typed the answers in. Just forgot to delete them. Small detail, right? I gave the student who told me an extra credit point. He didn't seem to appreciate it since the entire class is now mad at him.

Those crazy foreigners

I have a friend who teaches ESL in the same school district as I. As you can probably imagine, her students give her lots of good material. This story comes from her, with her permission of course. One day a student said to her:

"Miss, you are as typical American: small head, long legs. Only you no have long legs."

Nothing like students to keep you humble. Who knew those were typical American traits?

French Names

In French 1 the students did a reading where there was someone named "Hughes". I was demonstrating the French pronunciation for them which is something like "Ewg". This prompted the following response:



Ewg?! That sounds like a DEMON!

I had never viewed that name in such a way before but now I don't know if I can trust anyone named Hughes.

What they REALLY think about me!

One of my fellow French teachers, Monsieur C, has all of my former students in his classes. The other day he decided to write a quiz that was all about me and my dating life. There was nothing true in it, he just needed some kind of story for them to complete. Most of it was filling in object pronouns or single verbs, but there were a couple of spots to write full sentences. I was impressed with their willingness to completely burn both of us. The first blank started with, " If Monsieur C wanted to go out with Mlle H..." Here are a few samples, translated into English:

"If Monsieur C wanted to go out with Mlle H, he would need more money."



"If Monsieur C wanted to go out with Mlle H, he should be more handsome."


"If Monsieur C wanted to go out with Mlle H, he should change his clothes."



"If Monsieur C wanted to go out with Mlle H, he would kill himself."



"If Monsieur C wanted to go out with Mlle H, he wouldn't admit it."

The next blank just began with "If..." and they had to make up the entire last sentence of the story...

"If Mlle H doesn't find a man this year, she'll be alone for the rest of her life."



"If Mlle H wasn't a redhead, she would be married."



"If Mlle H kissed Monsieur C, he would become a frog."


"If Mlle H took a dance class, she would find her prince charming there."



"If she wants her prince, she has to behave better."


"If Mlle H was nicer, she would find the man of her dreams (it's not true)." He's saying it's not true that I need to be nicer, in case you were wondering. He's not implying that I will never find the man of my dreams, no matter how nice I am.

I will just take all those insults as a sign that they are comfortable with me and know I've got a good sense of humor. I'm sure it's not a sign of latent hostility or anything. No way! They love me. Right?

Late!

When my students walk into class late, I make them sign in, just in case I forget who came in late when I take attendance. They are supposed to write down the reason for their tardiness. The reasons are usually pretty mundane, like "bathroom" but sometimes they get a little bit more detailed. Here are a few:

"???I don't know???"

"I am new and searching" (brand new student from Afghanistan)

"My brother has senioritis" (This kid's brother has been blamed on more than one occasion)

"My mom broke a mug and I had to wait for her"

"I walked slowly from my house"

"I thought school started at 7:30" (it starts at 7:20. This was the second week of school)

Parents: Volume 4

My French 4 students do a project wherein they must present a famous person from French History to the class. They must "be" the person, which includes dressing up. I have actually been quite impressed with some of their costumes. Here's a sampling from last year:

Emile Zola

Paper facial hair was a popular look last year!

Napoleon Bonaparte

Look at how embarrassed and uncomfortable she is! Taking their picture when they're in costume is so rewarding.

Guillaume le Conquérant (William the Conqueror)

That would be dyed shaving cream as his beard, in case you were wondering. He dripped a lot during his presentation.

Cardinal Richelieu

I love this kid! He borrowed all the clothing from the priest at his church!

I would just like to point out the homemade nature of most of these costumes. Even the fancy cardinal didn't pay any money to dress up.

Anyway, one of my students, Christophe, was not the most diligent of students. He had suffered a brain injury some years previous which affected his concentration but the kid was not really about effort. He asked me in class if, instead of dressing up as the person, he could draw what the person looked like on a poster. I immediately said no, as that would open up a whole can of worms of kids not wanting to dress up. He acted annoyed but did not pursue it any further.

One morning a few days later, I arrived at school to see a woman waiting outside my classroom. Christophe's mother. Because right before school is just the perfect time to discuss something with your child's teacher. She proceeded to tell me how I was not accommodating Christophe's disabilities with the project (it's always good to attack right away and assume the teacher doesn't want to help your child. It has nothing to do with the fact that she has 150 students to keep track of). We cleared that up fairly easily but then the subject of the costume came up. She showed me the "poster" that he had mentioned:

While I am 99.99999% certain that he did not make that himself (or even helped), it is a perfectly acceptable alternative to actually dressing up. Before I could tell her that I had no problem with the poster, she says....

We're trying to save for Chris to go to college, we can't afford to pay for a Napoleon costume."

WHAT? What kind of a costume would you have to get that would make a dent in the college fund? Why would you think I would require that of my students? Do you have no creativity whatsoever? And in case you were wondering, one of my students rented a king costume to be Louis XIV. Cost? $15. Maybe she thought she had to buy a uniform actually worn by Napoleon himself. I could see how that could get pricey. I let her know that not only did I not expect my students to choose between college or their French History project but if her son had bothered to explain what his "poster" was in class, it would have saved her a 7:00am trip to school to chew me out.

Parents: Volume 3

Parent-Teacher Conferences. The thorn in my side. My first year of teaching I think I had maybe five parents show up for parent-teacher conferences. Then I changed jobs to a school in a much wealthier area. Now I have a constant stream of parents wondering how on earth their child could be getting a B+ and can they please turn in their late work and retake that quiz worth five points? In all honesty, most of the parents are very nice even if all they care about are grades. My first year at this school I had a 7th period class that was a handful. They gave birth to a new adjective: "7th period". So, when students are being really rowdy, you just tell them "OK, you're being really 7th period right now, it's time to calm down." We often play little vocabulary and grammar games in my class and I punished the entire class for a while by not playing any games. Enter Andrew's mother:

Mother: So, I hear you punished the entire class.

Me: Yes, we won't be playing any games in class until they can behave better.

Mother: Between you and me, Andrew doesn't really like your games.

Me: Well, yes, he let me know that but other students seem to like them. [What a surprise that he was so free with his opinion]

Mother: Maybe you could have some activities that incorporate the culture into the classroom that would make it more interesting. Like something with "American Idol".

Me[confused look] : [Is she honestly trying to give me advice? In what way does "American Idol" incorporate FRENCH culture into my classroom? Should I have a singing competition? What?!]

Mother: [Uncomfortably change topic to Andrew's poor grade]

I would just like to make it clear that my games are pretty much awesome. My students beg to play them. This kid was too cool for school and I can pretty much guarantee he would not have enjoyed an "American Idol" activity. Shock of all shocks, he did not continue in French.

Parents: Volume 2

Another first-year teaching story. I had two boys who were constantly disrupting class. They could not sit next to each other. They could not speak to or about the other person. It got to a point where I took the drastic measure and called home (I really don't like calling parents). Both mothers were very nice and I got the report from one boy that he had been grounded because of the phone call (why do I love it so when they get in trouble?). Here's what the other boy said:

Boy: Yeah, my mom said "Stop misbehaving in French class and since when are you taking French?"

We had finished at least half the year by this point. I had received several signed interim reports from this woman. It was truly shocking that her son was not taking his education more seriously.

Parents: Volume 1

Sometimes when you meet the parents of your students so much becomes clear. My first year as a teacher I met a mother who truly helped elucidate her daughter's behavior. Her daughter, Patricia, had a few attitude and anger management issues. When it came time to have parent-teacher conferences Patricia was failing my class because her group never turned in its quarter project. As I finished speaking to one parent, I saw Patricia's mom (Mrs. T) waiting for me.

Me: Hello! Whose mother are you?

Mrs. T [annoyed, as if she had to respond to a very inane question. This tone continues for the rest of the conversation]: Who do you think?

Me: You must be Patricia's mom [Who else could it be?!?!]. Why don't you sit down?

Mrs. T: Oh, it's that bad?

Me: Uh...no. [How is sitting down a bad sign?]

Mrs. T: Patricia tells me that she is failing because her partner, Marie, didn't turn in the project.

Me: Well, that is part of the reason. What happened is they worked on the project in class and the day it was due Marie had left the project at home. I told them they could turn it the next class period. Once again, they did not have it so they received a zero.

Mrs. T: I don't want my daughter working with Marie again!

Me: Well, she was the one who picked Marie to be her partner.

Mrs. T: Well, I don't think they should do group work at all.

Me: [Silence]

Mrs. T: Now, Patricia told me that since she spoke English in class she had to bring treats to the class. She said if she didn't do it, she would fail.

Me: Well, it's true that when students speak English three times in class they need to bring treats to the class. However, it does not affect their grade at all.

Mrs. T: I don't have time to go buy candy.

Me: It can be something homemade.

Mrs. T: Then I still have to go to the grocery store [because apparently she never goes there]. When you do an activity like this, it just involves the parents!

Me [very timidly]: I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing....

Mrs. T: HUMPH!

Throughout the entire conversation I wasn't sure if she was mad at me or her daughter. I think she was just mad at anyone that had the misfortune to cross her path!

Paris, je t'aime!

I recently traveled to France with a group of 20 students. It went surprisingly well, considering all that could have gone wrong, especially considering we were traveling with a certain student, let's call her Chantal. Here's a sampling:

Upon arrival at the train station in Paris:

Me: OK, you guys have a little bit of time to walk around and get something to eat before our train leaves.

Chantal [to a friend] : Let's go find Starbucks.

Me: Uhhh, there's no Starbucks here.

Chantal [incredulously]: Really? There's no Starbucks? Where are we supposed to get coffee?

She found a Starbucks later in the trip and was thrilled. She went there, along with the Disney Store, Sephora and any other store that could also be found in the US.

*******************

The students did homestays with French families for part of the trip. On one of those days we all met at the high school and a teacher gave us a tour.

In the cafeteria.....

French teacher: On the table is a pitcher full of an orange drink that is served at lunch. It is a very horrible drink. Its nickname is "Rat Piss".

Chantal: [Look of horror and imminent vomiting]

Me: It's just a nickname, that's not really what it is!

Chantal: Oh!

*****************

We gathered in front of Notre Dame one evening and were sending the students off to find restaurants for dinner. For those of you that don't know, Notre Dame is on an island in the middle of the Seine. It's important to the story.

Me [pointing at map]: OK, you're just going to cross this bridge right here and look for a restaurant in this area over here.

Chantal: Bridge?

Me: We're on an island.

Chantal: Ha! You're funny.

Me: No, I'm serious, we're on an island right now.

Chantal: France isn't an island (I think she meant to say "Paris" isn't an island).

Me: No, it's not, but Notre Dame is on a small island in the middle of the river.

Chantal: You're joking.

She finally believed me when I showed her on the map.

**********************

This is the best story of the trip. Our next to last evening one of the other students pulled me aside and told me that Chantal was planning on meeting up with some French boys that she had met earlier in the day. The rendez-vous was for 2pm the next day in front of Notre Dame (she could meet them there now that she knew where it was!). The girl who told me didn't want Chantal to know she said anything so we had to figure out a more creative way to thwart it. I was taking half the kids to Versailles the next day so it fell upon the other teacher, Mademoiselle P, to stop her. We decided together that she would just happen to be at Notre Dame at 2pm. As I wasn't actually there, the following conversation might not be recounted exactly as it occurred, but it's close enough!

Mlle P [upon seeing the group of students] : Hey, you guys! I decided to come to Notre Dame too! Have you been inside yet?

Male Student: No, I haven't been in.

Female Student: Me neither.

Mlle P: Oh, you have to see it, it's gorgeous! Let's go, the line isn't too long right now.

Chantal: I've done it before so I think I will wait out here....

Mlle P: Oh, we need to stay together. Come on, let's go!

Now a student of average intelligence would probably be thinking, "The teacher is here! Abort! Abort!" Not our little Chantal....

In line to enter Notre Dame....

Chantal: Oh my gosh, I think I see my friends from New York! Can I go say hi to them?

Mlle P: I doubt it's them, what are the chances they would be here? Let's go in.

While in Notre Dame she kept walking quickly in order to get back outside. Mlle P tried to get her to stay with the group. Finally Chantal said she wanted to wait outside and Mlle P went with her as she had already seen inside as well. She was a quick thinker!

Chantal: Those are my friends from New York!

Mlle P: Did they say they were going to be in France?

Chantal: Yeah, it was a few months ago though.... I'm going to say hi to them.

Mlle P follows her....

Mlle P: Hi! Who are you?

NY Friend [with thick French accent]: Euh, I am Pierre and zat eez Jean-Luc.

Mlle P: How do you know Chantal?

Chantal [trying to talk over boys]: They're my friends from...

"NY" Friends: Euh, we met her een a magasin yesterday.

Mlle P: Chantal cannot talk to you or do anything with you. Good bye.

You have to admire her dedication to keeping that rendez-vous as scheduled.

I have no street cred

My students were working on a writing assignment.

Student: Mademoiselle, can you read this sentence and tell me if it makes sense?

Me: Sure. "Il a pris neuf comme cinquante." What are you trying to say in English?

Student: He took nine like fifty.

Me: That doesn't make any sense in English.

Student: Yes it does. He took nine like fifty!

Me: I have no idea what you are saying!

Student: He took nine like fifty.

Female Student: Obviously she doesn't know rap!

Me: Rap? Oh, like 50 cent? I see! [trying to act cool] Fitty cent!

Female Student: Please don't ever do that again.

Me: He took nine what like 50 cent?

Class: [Look of disdain]

Me: I'm guessing bullets?

Class: [Relief / Incredulity at my naiveté]

For the rest of the year "Il a pris neuf comme cinquante" showed up in every story in that class.

My thug

French classes tend to be fairly thug-free. Most of the slacker delinquents take Spanish and the kids who don't shower and may or may not one day shoot up the school tend to take German. I'm used to nerdy over-achievers so the presence of a thug last year was a tad shocking. I knew from day one; If only her walking in late had been the only clue....

Me [going over syllabus]: You can go to the bathroom two times each quarter...

Thugette: What?!?!?! Only two times???

Me: That's what breaks are for and we also have lunch in the middle of class. If you do not have your assignment notebook, you may not go to the bathroom...

Thugette: What?!?!?!? I can't use somebody else's?

Me: Are you already planning on forgetting your planner?

Thugette [unconvincingly] : No.....

A few minutes later:

Thugette: Can I go to the bathroom?

****************

Random moment in class:

Thugette: Are we allowed to have crazy piercings in school?

****************

Students are participating in a get-to-know you activity with a partner. They are trying to find similarities and differences with each other.

Thugette: Ummmm, I've been to six different schools in the past six years...

Sweet, innocent girl: Wow. Did you move a lot?

Thugette: No, I got kicked out of one school, then we moved....

(FYI: This girl is a Freshman)

****************

I am introducing myself to the class

Me: I'm the youngest of nine kids....

Thugette: My sister is 26 and has six kids!

She lasted about a month in my class.

This is how people accidentally see porn

My level 4 students were doing presentations on various maladies. A female student had a few questions before class started.

Student: How do you say "pussy" (as in "full of pus")?

Me: I'm not sure, you need to look it up in the dictionary.

Student [traumatized]: I tried to look it up last night on the internet and all these horrible websites came up!

Me: You should probably just look up the word for "pus".

TMI

I had a student in the hall, preparing for an oral exam he had missed. The students had recently done presentations on famous French people and their exam was related to these presentations. I enter the hallway:

Me: Are you ready to go?

Student: How many homosexual lovers would you say I’ve had?

Me: [Stunned silence. I look down at paper to see that student will be talking about Yves Saint Laurent for his exam. What a relief!] I have no idea.

Ah, Freshmen

French 1 class. Two very nice, but very freshmonic boys are trading insults and disrupting class.

Me [after several requests to stop]: Can you please just try to act like normal human beings?

Student #1 [earnest, to the point of whining] : I’m doing the best I can!

The Brave Little Slot Machine

I was looking over a story students were writing in a group. I saw the following sentence (in French): "The slot machine only had one arm, nevertheless it was very courageous."

Me: Why are you talking about a slot machine being courageous?

Students: It’s supposed to say “one-armed bandit”. We found it in the dictionary.

Me: A “one-armed bandit” is a slang expression for a slot machine. Why on earth would the dictionary give you an expression for “one-armed bandit”?

Students: [No response]

Anybody want to play a game?

A male student was staying after class to take a test. I was chatting with two female students; one of them was telling me stories of how different her sister acts at home as compared with school. Male student pipes up.

Student: Do you want to know who acts totally different at home? Benoît. [names have been changed to protect the ridiculous]

Me: Oh really? (Benoît was one of my favorite students)

Student: He and I play this game called “Vampire Minions”. We chase each other around in capes and the first one to be bitten on the neck has to be the other person’s slave and do whatever they want.

Female students: [Stunned silence.]

Me: [That is the gayest thing I have ever heard.] Thanks for sharing that.

Dirty Stories

Written on a student’s paper: “Il m’a frappé parce que j’ai baisé sa copine.”

What he meant to write : “He hit me because I kissed his girlfriend”


What he actually wrote: “He hit me because I f***** his girlfriend”